Do I Truly Enjoy Parenting?

Dear Fellow Parents,

I pen this open letter to you with the hopes of bringing you the courage to face yourself in a way that is truly world shattering and full of guilt. To allow yourself to be the villain for the day and let out a huge "humbug" when you think of your day to day life as the caregiver. Parenting for some is the white picket fence and homemade chocolate chip cookies welcoming you to share a laugh. On the contrary, others shriek at the thought of having tiny handprints to wipe off their mirrors. In the end, it's both!

Today, I choose to be the villain that I typically keep tucked behind the organized chaos. I was in love with my selfishness, married to my freedom, then, one day it was stripped from under my nose. I couldn't find comfort in my instant gratification nor could I tend to me (and only me); a baby took over. The baby became my new identity as I was often bombarded with calls or texts asking "how's the baby?", somehow making me invisible in a life that I had already created. Didn't anyone care about me? Were my sleepless nights of feedings and diaper changes not important? How did I suddenly take the backseat to a person who had just gotten here twenty seconds ago?

One of my struggles with becoming a new parent was postpartum depression. And, my cycle of postpartum depression has taken me for a ride. The new person I should be loving and adoring soon made me feel guilt and stress for not having my cloak of invisibility. Now, I had to be vulnerable and patient (yuck!) all while trying to balance doctor's appointments and teething. This new journey consistently reminded me that I failed at providing my child with a two-parent home and of the persistent rejection I faced in love and security. The internal turmoil pushed me into a space of moodiness where I'd be thrilled to cuddle with my child one minute and needing a week long break the next.

So, parents, I urge you to look at the ugly parts of parenting and remind yourself that there are times you will be the "villain"and that's okay. Being the villain doesn't mean you love your child less, but it does demonstrate vulnerability in recognizing when it's too much to bear. While everyone may not feel this way or understand your process, it is your TRUTH. Parenting is hard! Parenting can stress us out! Parenting is constantly sacrificing yourself even when you don't want to. But, someone's gotta do it.

Sincerely,

The Mom who is fine being the Villain